Hail to the Queen...

It is hard to believe but I saw the Queen tonight. What's that? No, not the Queen of England. No, not the Queen of my house (hi, honey !!!). Not the rockband Queen. The Queen I speak of tis Jake. No, he hasn't officially become royalty yet but given the fact that I walked in the house tonight to Jake dressed in one of Jenna's princess dresses and a feather boa (always a nice touch, good to accessorize) he is destined to be royalty. OK, maybe just a drag Queen but lets not split hairs.

Do you know what is really sad? I didn't even really react. I told him that he is weird and told him to take it off. I threw up in my mouth a little but was able to keep my wits about me. After all, playing with dolls, dressing up, painting nails, using make-up, being sassy all makes for a great father later in life...........right???........right????

BULLSHIT I say. It makes for a really weird-ass kid, weirder-ass adult, and people like this aren't fathers because guys can't get pregnant.

I know he is young and this is a single incident. He was just playing with his sister...he was just playing with his sister...he was just playing with his sister. I figure I can talk myself into that if I just keep saying it.

At any rate, we have a meeting at Cross-Dressers Anonymous next week. "Hello, my name is Jake and I'm a cross-dresser". "Hello, Jake".

Well, I'm off to bed. Julie has this teddy I like to wear. JUST KIDDING !!! Sicko's...

To lie or not to lie. That is the question...

What is it about being twelve that makes you so much smarter than the rest of the world? So smart and above the incredibly inferior intelligence of older people that you think you can lie and get away with it. And not only get away with it but lie to your face even though the evidence against you puts the smoking gun in your hand. Today I am speaking as one of the "older" and inferior beings.

You might have guessed that Jordan sparked this rant (errrr, I mean blog). He had this assignment that he was supposed to do and had PLENTY of time to do it. Instead, he chose to be a slacker and not do it. That isn't the good part. Julie looked online at Jordan's grades last week to find he had a zero on this assignment (I love the internet). So naturally we asked him about the zero. He replied with his liar face (which results in a scrunched up face and he can no longer speak) "I turned it in for a late grade". "Cool" thought the old people.

So today I looked on the website and saw that the grade was still a zero. I thought to myself "That is odd, this should have updated by now". So I emailed Jordan's teacher and asked what the deal was. She replied by saying that he never turned it in and a note was sent home to sign (which I never received).

At this point I am pissed because this is yet another lie in the LONG list of lies by Jordan. I don't think he knows what the truth is anymore. I got home and gave him a chance to come clean. He lied to my face again. I then showed him the email from his teacher. HE STOOD BY HIS STORY and continued to lie to my face. As of yet, he has not told me the truth. Although not the brightest thing to do, you gotta give him an "A" for effort.

I believe he may have a career in politics. JORDAN FOR PRESIDENT 2021 !!! WOO-HOO !!!

Now we know our ABC's

I thought I would post this. I downloaded a program called Audacity. It allows you to record stuff in tracks. I recorded everyone in the family singing their ABC's. I then threw it all together with some video background.

Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails...

That's what little boys are made of so the saying goes. That might be the only thing that could explain the smell of these boys. I believe if you put frogs, snails, and puppy dog tails (can't be many of these. Only certain kinds have them snipped) in a giant barrell and let them rot for a few weeks in the sweltering sun, you would have something close to the stench that resembles my boys' feet and general odor.

Why is it that 12 year old boys think it is okay to wear the same clothes every day for a week or two without washing them? Why is it that even if they take a shower (only when forced of course), they refuse to use soap and shampoo? It is as if the stuff is toxic in some form and to touch it may cause unsitely sores.

I just have to share today's story. We fight with number one all the time about wearing clean clothes, washing hair, brushing teeth, and using deodorant. Today's story revolves around the clean clothes. Julie made sure that number one was wearing clean clothes before he left the house this morning. She hears him come in the garage after school. This is odd because he always comes in the front door. Anyway, he quickly comes in the house where Julie sees him IN HIS DIRTY CLOTHES she told him not to wear. When asked about the alleged offense, he proclaimed that he had just changed in the garage. Lord knows that is where everyone likes to change their clothes. After some CSI type investigative work (we are so cool) we came to the conclusion that he (get ready, this is good) TOOK THE DIRTY CLOTHES TO SCHOOL so he could change into them when he got there. WTF??? Who in the hell does that? This whole thing just makes me sick and grossed out.

I'm gonna take a shower now because I feel gross from talking about it. You should do the same if you read it. Have a great day (or night). :-)

Daddy drinks because you cry...

First of all, I don't really drink when my kids cry. If I did, I would have died from alcohol poisoning a long time ago. What is it that makes the brain of a child believe that if they cry, the parents will do whatever it is the child wants to do? "What's that, you want to go outside and play at 8:30pm?" "No, it's almost bedtime". (cue the waterworks)..."I want to go out and play for a little while, you never let us go outside".

This mindless drivel will go on for God knows how long before a parent will proclaim "I have had enough of this crying, you are grounded". HA, that will solve this problem. Wait...the crying has subsided and been replaced by a high-pitched dog whine (think bassett hound) and thrashing about with just a twinge of anger. The dog whine-thrashing-anger phase goes on for a while followed closely by the kiss-ass phase.

The kiss-ass phase is interesting. The child is able to pull himself completely together. If I sneeze, he is there with a Kleenex. "Here Dad, I think you might need this". "Can I get you a Diet Coke". As a father, I love this stage of the game. I get treated with respect. You might think this is taking advantage of the little hellion but you would be wrong. This is merely payback for enduring the crying phase and the dog whine-thrashing-anger phase. This is my moment. I deserve it.

The kiss-ass phase can be for a very short time or it can last for an extended time. But when it is all said and done, the kiss-ass phase ends with the child asking for the initial request again. This is generally followed by the same answer that was given the first time. And the cycle starts all over again.

For all the parents out there of multiple children, you know that at every waking moment of the day, you are in one of these phases. I personally have learned to tune out the crying and whining which you must do to keep your sanity.

I will end this blog by saying to my wife "God bless you". She stays home all day with these people. I get to go to work and sit in my nice office free of whining and crying...usually. ;-)

Honey, do I look fat?

Julie, my bride of 14 years (almost), just ordered pizza for the kids and herself. That's right, nothing for the father unit. I know that I could stand to lose a few pounds but I would appreciate if people would be a little more gracious about it. For example, my buddy at work calls me a fatass all the time. It seems to me that there are more subtle ways to hint at it.

Although I am a bit overweight, I still enjoy the greasy, cheesy, meaty goodness that is Casey's pizza. There is something heavenly about that warm grease dripping from my chin that puts a bit of a smile on my face. And who would be so bold to say that they don't like cheese. It is perfect in all of it's forms. Cold or hot, I love the tangy, smooth wonderfulness that is called cheese.

Now I'm sure that some of you who read yesterdays blog might be thinking "this guy is taking more pills than some pharmacies carry and he is eating food dripping in grease?" The answer is "yes". I eat grease because that is the food group that I love the best.

I have found throughout my life that anything leafy and green is like eating grass and tasteless. My wife says "that is the reason for dressing, the lettuce is just a vessel to carry the tasty dressing". I say why not just drink the dressing and leave the plantlife alone. Plants are good for our planet and they should stay where the lord intended.

One other thing you should know is that I am not a condiment guy. That's right, no ketchup, mustard, mayo or any other nasty thing they try to put on sandwiches. I order everything plain. Ask someone eating a burger sometime why they eat it with all the extra stuff on it. They will tell you "to hide the taste of the burger". You ordered a freaking BURGER. Seems to me that is the taste you were looking for.

Anyway, I digress. Today we live in an America that is overweight. All we hear is how Americans are fat and if things don't change soon, we're looking at early deaths. You know what, that may be true but I see the silver lining (I'm good at that, ask Julie). All the overweight people in this country can count their blessings at night that they had enough to eat. Maybe even too much to eat. There are many people that would happily walk down the street and have people whisper about them being "fat". That is a small price to pay to have enough food in your belly.

So before you go to bed tonight, stand in front of the mirror and thank your lucky stars that you may be "overweight" or "fat". Tuck your kids in bed and pinch their chubby cheeks and thank the Lord that they are able to have enough to eat as well. So don't get caught up in all the hype and just be thankful.

Life's an itch...

As I have been contemplating just what my blog would be about, I considered talking about my day, my life, or work stuff. After thinking further I realized I should do a blog about random thoughts. After all, that is what I have a lot of the time, just random thoughts. So be prepared to be dazzled and amazed. And to my lovely wife, Julie, I am not competing with you to be funny as you will see in the following paragraphs.

Although this particular subject is not random, it is what has been bugging me for about 6 weeks now. So a couple months ago I decide that we need to save a little money. In my infinite wisdom I decide that we should start with my prescription drugs. I am like an old man with my scrips (that's what all the cool people call prescriptions). I should have a pill carrier to keep them all straight. There's one for Acid Reflux, Allergies, Blood pressure, cholestrol, Ritalin for weight loss (no I'm not ADHD. Oh look a pretty light !!!) and now prednisone for "the itch". Anyway I call the Dr. and tell them to change my acid pill to the cheap version. Cha-Ching, just saved $40 bucks a month.

So a couple weeks later I start itching. I didn't really pay much attention because I have allergies and hives are a part of my life. I have come to accept them. Yes, I have become one with my hives. So I continue to choke down my super cheap new pills and I continue to itch. Now as I write this I think to myself "man you are an idiot for not figuring this out for 6 weeks". The itching is so bad at this point I'm itching like I am wearing a wool sweater in the Sahara. I am actually scratching til I bleed and blood vessels are breaking. Bad news !!!

I continue to bitch and moan about it for the next 3 weeks and Julie finally says "do you think it could be your acid pills?" "EUREKA, this lady is a genius" I thought to myself. Not wanting to admit my stupidity, I continue to take the pills but take Benadryl. Yep, that'll take care of the problem. All I have to do is take my super cheap acid pills and these really expensive allergy pills together and life will be good again. No such luck...

I finally come to my senses and call the Dr. I asked him for Aciphex which is a pill I've taken before and not had a problem with. I also ask for the prednisone so I could gain a quick 20 pounds and maybe stop itching. So the Dr. does as I ask. I go to Walgreens to pick up my new super cheap scrips (man, I'm so cool) and they told me the total, $72. The Aciphex which I took and used to be a tier one drug(AKA cheap) is now a tier three drug (AKA holy shit).

So all this has come full circle now and I have not saved money but spent more. The itching is starting to subside now and my skin is starting to grow back. I will end with an ancient chinese proverb because my wife loves them. "Anything worth doing is worth asking your wife's opinion first". Yeah, yeah I changed it a bit but I'm not chinese or ancient !!!